october post...

so seriously I have no clue what I want from my life, I thought I was getting somewhere but now I realize I am still clueless. I'm in no rush to do anything so it doesn't really matter but one day I am going to have to answer or give some sort of explanation to my family. I guess till then I will just keep postponing it till they confront me? But I guess winter is coming to this forsaken area and it's going to get freakn cold so I will have to start wearing socks again and that is disappointing...

October Ensign

http://www.lds.org/portal/site/LDSOrg/menuitem.b12f9d18fae655bb69095bd3e44916a0/?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=e5cbba12dc825110VgnVCM100000176f620a____

I don't know if the link will work but its is on the lds website...

Elder Holland talks about SSA in the October Ensign I only read the opening statement. He came and talked at the U last sunday... to say anything it was amazing... at the end he basically gave a blessing to everyone there and I cried because that was something I so desperately needed... but I don't think it is enough.
I don't have answers but I seriously think this is harder to deal with then they imagine? maybe not but they aren't helping much...

hating life

so my life is sucking right now, school started and my classes are hard. Thats not the worst of it, the latest is I lost my keys today, I am so paranoid of doing this I don't know how I did it? But o'well it's done and they're gone. and thats not the worst of it either... but I don't even want to talk about it so this was a pointless way to vent my feelings...

feelings and change

I don't know where to start but with my feelings as of late. I don't know if I have come to any terms with myself and I am tired of it. One of the only things that keeps me from doing anything with somebody is my lack of "gaydar" if I knew someone was willing to go on a date or hang out I would prob. do it. I'm not saying I'd turn into a slut but I'd definitely have fun... I'm tired of
beating myself up for everything I do that has anything to do with my ssa. I realize if I don't change something when school starts I won't be able to get through. I can't afford to screw up one semester and that is why change is necessary. So whats the point of this blog? I don't know, for suggestions on what to do from people that have been in the same place? Or suggestions on how to be sure that someone is truly gay??? but what ever... I'm posting this and not thinking twice cause it is truly my thoughts...

Harry Potter ( I don't tell what happens...)

right well I didn't see anybody else post on Harry Potter yet so I figured I would, I won't say what happens either...
I waited in line for about 2 hours and got my book the second it turned midnight... !!!! I went home and read till 4 am and then woke up saturday and read most of the day, I had TWO chapters left when I had to goto church so I sat through 3 hours of church and went straight home and finished it... I liked it, it was great...
the book made me think a lot about things, but since I finished it I am back to normal life...

get a life

yes that is what I need to do. I am so closed. I keep to myself in everything I do. I have always hated group work and I prefer to work alone. So how do I change this? I guess going outside my comfort zone is the most obvious but it's so comfortable in here... so anyway this is just a note to myself...

info...

right well I got off work early so I figure I would let whoever is wondering that yes contrary to popular belief I am still alive... I rode my bike 1200 miles in 3 days and it was a blast! I have moved and I have found a job ! so I guess thats about it, so till next time or not depending if SLC traffic does me in...?

thinking...?

so this was one of the secrets on postsecret (and no it's not mine) but it really made me think, I have thought the same thing but seeing it and especially completing relating to it . I don't know what exactly I think? I am in a rush but I wanted to put it up and let whoever looks at my blog also think?

daily observations...

well where should I start? I guess yesterday I went on my only date of the semester, and well, I realized I wouldn't of minded if I didn't go on any... It was more of a hassle and a pain than anything... The chick liked to dance and so thats all we did... blah... the whole thing wasn't to terribly bad but I didn't get anything out of it but the bill coming to around 40 ish dollars...

today I woke up around noon with only an idea of what I needed to do that being I had to go to provo to sell my car (I'm going to school in S. Utah) so I could go about this a few different ways except it was raining so that left only one and that was to drive my big truck. on the way up though I picked up my very first hitch hiker... I felt bad cause it was raining and it was pretty much impulsive I saw him as I was cruising at 80+ mph and I just slammed on the brakes before I thought about it... but it was a good experience for the both of us, I say this cause he got a ride and I got a few answers I've always wondered about those being: how safe is it? he has hitched a lot of rides and he didn't have any horrible stories a few strange but nothing bad... where do you sleep? last night he slept behind a gas station... how long does it take to get a ride? I picked him up within 10 mins of him getting on the freeway... so I guess all and all I might try it one of these days... talking to him made me really want to do it I know this is only one experience but I have a death wish so whats the big deal...(I say this for many reasons mainly cause I drive a motorcycle hench my only option being to drive my truck as earlier stated...)

anyway the jerk that was going to buy my car wouldn't answer his phone, wtf just tell me you don't want it, but I went up there knowing that was probably the case but I had to get it back down cause somebody else wanted to look at it... and I wanted to go to the off road expo at the sandy city expo center... so yeah by the time I get to the expo center it is finished and everybody is packing up their booths? so I went in the back and looked at a few things that I wanted to and ha I didn't have to pay the 10 dollar admission fee...

saving 10 dollars I decided to eat nachos from a gas station before I drove home there were a bunch more details I was going to talk about but this is prob. boring and nobody cares so I will just end saying my eyes were opened a little more today, I do feel bad for not going to church but not really it is so fake. so whatever thats that...

pointless

so theres a lot on my mind, but none of it makes sense... I have to work for the next 10 hours and so I have plenty of time to sort out everything but all I want to do is go to sleep... so whats the point of this? I don't know, I think I'm learning money doesn't buy happiness and I just have to accept things for what they are... I really enjoyed "heres to hope" last post but I don't know what will come of reading it... anway I will shut up now and maybe come back later and get my thoughts out better....

Winter

so I'm not from Utah but this is my 3rd winter I've lived here. Every year I forget the fact that winter is cold and long. This winter was going to be different, I had jeep and it was fun to play in the snow with. This was only the case for the first few times it snowed. Then it got colder and everything went into hibernation and it was peaceful for awhile. But since then it's gone on for too long. About two weeks ago it got warmer and the foothills began to thaw out, this meant mud, mud is much funner than snow... but again it got cold and it has been snowing every night this week... so I'm not going to add any symbolism into this I am just looking forward to spring...

I'm not GAY???

I swear... OK so this will probably end up going nowhere and end stupidly but whatever.

So to start no I am not in denial. I obsessed with men I don't know why but I am, but even more so I am obsessed with myself. So I'm conceited? Actually I think I am and I think there are a lot of people I meet that think exactly that. I am so busy trying to act tough and being cool to myself that I don't really have any friends so I have to continue to look tough and be cool not to give myself away. It's a never ending cycle...

Lately I have been wasting a lot of money on stupid stuff I don't need to make myself feel better about myself and for people to think wow that kid really is cool...(that sounds like high school and that makes me really sick) but it's true. I don't know what it is, I'm 23 I've been living on my own for 6 years but now I am throwing this crazy temper tantrum for attention? and wasting all my money. But what good has it been doing anyways, I mean I've been saving it up for 6 years, for what?

The other part is I have reached the end of an era. I have to move and goto another school? I don't know where, I'm half way comfortable now but I have to move on. Is it I'm scared of the future, yes. I don't know where to go or what to do. But the motorcycle I'll probably end up with is going to be sweet and think of all the money I will save...

title less

so as I started writing this U2's song "stuck in a moment" came to mind I looked it up and this is the video link, I think it will work but I think pop ups has to be enabled???
http://www.my995fm.com/cc-common/videos_on_demand/index.php?reference_id=5423
anyway I don't know really what to say, I've still been reading peoples blogs, thinking and just living from day to day... I don't have the eloquence of others in writing but I guess I don't care... so yeah whatever I don't feel like this but it's a good song so listen to it...